Scuse me while I have my little moment

I had a moment last night.

I got the great news just before Christmas that my hard work had paid off and I'd been chosen to go on a training trip to the USA this year.

It wasn't supposed to be great news. When I applied for this whole process, I decided that if I was chosen to do the trip, I'd refuse, citing the 6 week period as too long to be away from my family. But lots of conversations and soul-searching later (and after some truly wonderful advice from my friends over at MommyWorks), I decided to go for it. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I'd be a fool not to accept it.

And then I got the programme. And it said that the total period I would be away was 10 weeks. 10 weeks. Not 6. Two and a half months.

Oh. Hell.

By then, I'd accepted and everything was in the pipeline. No turning back.

Just to keep things really interesting, I woke up at 3am the morning after finding out wondering when last I'd seen my passport. Hmmm. I got up and went to the file where we keep all our Important Papers. Sure enough, there in the appropriate place were passports belonging to Scott, James and Hannah. And mine was missing.

What was I saying just now? Oh yes: Oh. Hell.

I've turned the house upside down and still, no passport. Fast-forward a few days, and my amazing boss has faxed off a kick-ass letter to the Great Bureaucrats in the sky (or something) and I received a reply today that they're doing something about it. So I might just get the passport in time to leave.

Anywaaaaay. Back to my moment: Scott and I are training Jonah to sleep in his own bed. He's going on 18 now (ok, 2 and a half) and he's still sleeping in our bed. The whole baby-in-the-bed thing is getting a bit old now. So we've I've decided to take it in turns to "be on duty" and train him. Being on duty means that you get up a few hundred times a night and soothe the traumatised child attempting to sleep in a foreign bed.

Last night, Scott was on duty. He duly got up when Jonah cried. I also woke up, as I always do when Jonah cries, and listened. He was hysterical. Calling my name and really beside himself that I wasn't there.

And that's when it hit me with the clarity of a clear thing: I don't want to go to America. I want to stay right here and be with my baby.

Scott, unable to calm him down, brought him to our bed. The moment Jonah was in the bed beside me, he placed his hand on my back. And I thought: This is all I want. Not trips to America, not accolades from work, not more training. Just the feel of my baby's hand on my back.

When I woke up this morning, I realised I was probably being a tad irrational last night. Yes, he was upset that I wasn't there, but no, he wouldn't have collapsed if Scott had persevered and put him to bed in his own room.

I'm still pursuing the training trip. But WOW - what a conflict of interests. This is the hardest thing I think I've ever done and the biggest decision I've made in ages.

Comments

[Jeanette]

10 weeks is forever!! But saying that, what an opportunity, I'm sure I would go.

[Laura]

That is a long time to be away!! But it is a pretty cool opportunity and everyone will be just fun!

Get skype and you can chat daily to each other :)

[Julia]

Mmmm... difficult one. I am not too sure if I'd be able to go away for 10 weeks. Then again I'm not in the situation the way you are. Having said that, it sounds like a wonderful opportunity. Whatever you decide, it will be the right decision for you and your family in the long run.
Good Luck and congratulations on being chosen in the first place!

xx

[Melany]

That IS a difficult decision to make. Very.
My SIL had the opportunity to go to America about 3 years ago. Her youngest were 3 at the time. After many yes's and no's, she decided to go.
She realized that indeed her kids (and husband) did survive without her and weren't worse off at all and she has since gone again.

Maybe that helps to make you feel a little bit more 'okay' with your decision

[brandy101]

wow! Emma was terrible in her own bed until 3 then we got her a true twin bed (not a toddler bed) and she loved it and never looked back. It was her MATRESS she hated - too stiff. She liked the junky, smushy twin bed one we got and put on a daybed frame for her in her room.

[angel]

good gravy janine... i think i would also have a really hard time deciding, and feeling considerably torn!

[Gill]

Good luck with your decision Janine - it's a tough one!! I can imagine how torn you must be feeling!

[rjlight]

Wow can't imagine being gone that long! Got your site from the Motherhood by the way.

[Tonya]

Huzzah for you for landing this training opportunity! You totally kick ass!

And I totally feel for you about being away from the kids for that long. Any chance you'll be near me (in California)?