I subscribe to a feed for the keywords "working moms" and "working mothers". I recently came across this article, which made my eyeballs itch with irritation. Instead of letting it all fester inside me, I thought I'd respond here:
Dear Angela van Boxtel
Thanks for your article. Charming tone. You really know how to make a working mom's day.
May I make a suggestion? Next time you want to publish something that will appear on the internet and be read by people all over the world, try getting your facts straight first. Better yet, next time, try not publishing at all.
You come across as somewhat aggressive in your article. Did you mean to do that? Not only that, but you also sounded terribly smug. Look at me, you seem to be saying: I love my children more than you do, because I don't work outside the home.
Lovely.
I'll respond, if you don't mind, to a few things you said:
"I'm a mother of four boys aged between one and 12. I do not have a so-called career. My life, including my family, is my career."
That's terribly nice for you, but you know what? I have two 'so-called' careers: my paid job and my family. I can multi-task. What about you?
"I work from home so I can be around my children and have both lives"
Well, bully for you for having two lives, whatever that means. I've been working towards working from home for several years now and I still haven't managed to get it right. Well done for taking the leap.
"I've made choices so my children are my first priority in life and that means being there for them."
This kind of statement is just plain mean. What? You think women who work don't see their children as their priority? Stop congratulating yourself and look around - we all love our children.
"I do not have a mortgage. My husband and I and our four kids (six of us in all) share a three-bed apartment and one of those rooms is our office."
Well done for not having a mortgage. Now try buying a house in South Africa and paying it off in one lifetime. It's impossible, dear.
"We never go on holidays or weekends away."
Um, neither do we, but only because the inflation rate here is so insane that we can't afford anything anymore.
"My children are schooled by public education, not expensive private schools."
Which is so lovely for your children and you, especially since public education in your country is free. Here? We're paying around R2500,00 per month for public education for two children. Who needs to work to pay for that, right?
"The six of us share one computer, not three or four like some households."
May I point something out? The picture you're painting of 'making do with less' is actually one of standard middle-class living and in some countries, like mine, one of extreme wealth. You have a car, a computer, 3 bedrooms, a garden and a television? That's far more than most South Africans will ever dream of having.
"Your children are your gifts and they are here to be enjoyed. Yes mums, you're natural yearnings to be with your child are right."
I won't comment on your vitriol here. I'll just say this: "you're" is supposed to be spelled "your".
Who were you really addressing when you wrote this article? Because if you didn't mean it to be taken to heart by most working moms, then you probably shouldn't have generalised so. It would have been far wiser to have spoken directly to the women who offend you so much by earning enough money to buy big houses and 4 computers.
Yours in irritation,
Janine
good for you
wouldn't it be nice if we all could stay home with our children---men and women---i wish i lived near a beach so i could go play
Posted by: tjk | September 06, 2008 at 05:24 PM
I loved your response! I briefed over her article b/c I was curious about what she wrote and I have to say as a stay-at-home mom just like her, I was offended!! She makes it sound like she's a better mother because she stays home with her kids. I don't feel I'm a better mother to my kids than my friends who work and have children.
In fact, I think working moms set a good example for their own kids. You're paving the way for your children to learn about responsibility, how to multi-task (taking care of a household and working outside the home), and that women CAN work outside the home and still be wonderful mothers. We're not living in the 50's anymore when women were expected to stay home and raise the kids while Daddy goes off to work everyday. Women can have careers AND raise their kids.
Sorry I'm getting off on a tangent here but her article is very offensive!!! Sounds like she's trying to convince HERSELF that she's a better mother than her work-out-of-the-home counterparts!
Posted by: Helene | September 07, 2008 at 04:29 AM
I really liked your comments on this article. She really made it sound like her way was the only right way. We all love our children and are doing the best we can.
Posted by: Elle | September 07, 2008 at 09:40 PM
I am a SAHM/homemaker but as slobby as my family is, aint nothing *happy* about it! LOL...
Posted by: brandy101 | September 07, 2008 at 10:12 PM
I agree she was aggressive and one-sided.
Posted by: Elizabeth Channel | September 08, 2008 at 07:04 AM
Whoop! Great post. Apart from the necessity angle (ie many people have to work to afford to have kids) I say give the kids an hour with a happy fulfilled mother over a whole day with someone who feels a bit bored, depressed or unfulfilled.
I have no idea what I'll want to do after my baby comes but I love working...
Posted by: Margot | September 08, 2008 at 12:30 PM
Wow, I went over to the post and read this. I have really had a hard time with some blogs because of this. Each mom has her own situation. I am blessed right now to be able to work at home and be with my children. Some days I would love to throw the towel in and just work away from home. Some days I am thankful to be home. I have learned that each person, city, family support, husband support, non husband support, age, religion, weather, child, etc. all are factors in deciding what is best for a family. My guess, in most cases it would be people do what works for them at the moment given the circumstances at the time. Most of us live DAY TO DAY. I don't even have time to think about the WHY of WHY I have chosen the path that I am on. I love my children, I do my best...and that is all I can do. Even if I were to win the lottery tomorrow....I would not want my children to not see me struggle. This makes them strong. Life is not easy. Mom cannot always fix everything....I think we should just all be happy being a mom...no matter what the circumstance. We have one shot at it...and it passes very quickly.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I agree with each of your points.
Posted by: Tammy from A Day to Share with Tammy | September 08, 2008 at 04:04 PM
You hit the goal Girl! Thanks for your thoughts.
I agree too, very one-sided and presumptuous! I hate to say this but she's probably miserable herself in her situation and tries to pick on working moms.
As mothers, we should support each other instead judging each other's choices in life.
Posted by: Cathy | September 08, 2008 at 08:46 PM
I'm a SAHM as well, but I've been a working mom too out of necessity and it is hard and it's not necessarily a matter of sacrificing luxuries, but a matter of survival. There's nothing to feel superior about, many moms don't have a choice and many moms balance both career and family gracefully. It's a shame she feels the need to attack the choices of other moms and be arrogant enough to assume she knows better.
Posted by: mrsbear | September 09, 2008 at 04:33 AM
I'd love to see if Angela replies to your letter. If she does, please post her reply for us to read. Women like that make my claws come out. She really should come spend some time in South Africa to get an idea of what having four kids in a third world country is really like. Actually, even just having one child in a third world country these days means moms have to work. I don't think she did enough research before writing her article.
Good for you Janine...sticking up for a large portion of women in the world!
Posted by: Cristine | September 09, 2008 at 12:03 PM
ooh, i could so say a few choice phrases out loud right now.
i have always been a single mom. and as a mom to a special needs child i have indeed felt guilty about having to work instead of being home with my knucklehead- especially when he really needs me.
but she's being bitchy. she probably feels frustrated and is now trying to justify her lifestyle to herself.
Posted by: angel | September 09, 2008 at 08:30 PM
I love your responses its so true. Especially about the "I work from home so I can be around my children and have both lives"
I too have been working double time to be able to that point, working from home. Sometimes its not as easy as saying "I'm going to work from home".
Would it really better to tell my kids sorry no dinner tonight, but at least I'm working from home?
Most moms do what they have to, to provide for their children. Judging a mom for working or not working is completely unacceptable in my opinion.
Posted by: Stephanie | September 13, 2008 at 04:26 PM